Friday, December 09, 2005

Big

Finally Fat Friday has arrived. Biggie is heavy shit, solid beats and rhymes, real street cred, like a steam roller he paved the way for legions of rappers to come. These 3 albums are staples of any Hip-Hop fan's collection, but for those of you who have lost them, been robbed, or played out your copies here is a time to refresh. If you have some time to dig you'll find some great, rare Biggie at the smoking section probably the best site for all things hip-hop (incidently they have the best "Different Strokes" pic I've ever scene posted today). So here is some Biggie for the weekend enjoy.





Notorious B.I.G. - Ready to Die
Part 1
Part 2








Notorious B.I.G - Life After Death
Disc 1
Disc 2








Notorious B.I.G. - Born Again

OC: This One is for Alana

It's my second week dropping the ball on my thoughts on OC, Instead of watching it last night I drank scotch and played dominoes, go figure. I swear I'm going to watch it tonight, so look out tomorrow, in lieu of a review enjoy this, disc 5 of the OC compilations. I'm posting this because Alana loves them, and she is very concerned about the kids growing up so fast and going off to college. Alana, hopefully this mix will remind you of all the good times you and the gang shared in highschool.
Here is the track list,
1. Rock & Roll Queen - Subways
2. Reason is Treason - Kasabian
3. Wish I Was Dead pt.2 - Shout Out Louds
4. Daft Punk is Playing at my House - LCD Soundsystem
5. Publish My Love - Rogue Wave
6. Forever Young - Youth Group
7. Requiem for O.M.M. - Of Montreal
8. Kids with Guns - Gorillaz
9. Na na na na Nah - Kaiser Chiefs
10. Your Ex-Lover is Dead - Stars
11. California 2005 - Phantom Planet
12. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
The O.C. - Mix 5

Howard Stern: 12-08-05

This is something I'm going to try for a while at least a week before Howard hits satellite, I discovered a way to download Stern's show, unfortunately it's a day old but for us people in Toronto we really don't have a better option. Of course if you have a car with a great antenna, on a clear and dry day you can hear 50% of the show through the static from Buffalo's 92.9. This is because some genius at Toronto's Q107 decide to pull Stern from the station and replace it with a local DJ who wishes he was Stern but clearly thinks of himself as nicer, and more polite. I've actually heard this guy steal Stern's jokes, word for word. Enough I digress, enjoy the Stern, in the future I'll post it earlier in the day.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

10,000 Things...

Tao produced the One.
The One produced the two.
The two produced the three.
And the three produced the ten thousand things.
-Lao Tzu

F is the New Fuck

You heard it here first, no one says that big old, taboo "F" word anymore, it just doesn't carry the panache that it used to. I was riding the streetcar this morning, and I heard two people completely unrelated, proclaim "F!" where a simple fuck would have sufficed. The first time I was privy to this bastardized incarnation, was from the lips of NYC Marisa, who may be the root of the trend. Truthfully I thought it was funny and cool at first, even used it myself. Now I'm afraid that if this trend continues we could lose the most poignant and versatile word in history. The signs all point to it, fuck is on t-shirts, television and video games, we've been super saturated. Saying "F" is a new way of saying the same old thing, but it has none of the power of its roots.
Not unlike punk music. Today we have so many different types of bands that claim to be punk rock, from real hardcore to boy band commodities. Even though some are loud, and abbrasive and hardcore, is that what constitutes "punk"? It just all feels a little empty, a little "what's the point?" A little like "F" is to fuck, new punk is to the real old nasty shit.
So in honour of fuck, and as a nod to NYC Marisa I'm posting 4 of my favorite and most accesible punk acts out of NYC, all debut albums, all amazing.




New York Dolls - New York Dolls










Blondie - Blondie




















10,000 People Running and Screaming

To celebrate our 10,000th reader, I will once again alienate all but three of them with a series of NBA photographs that I love. If you don't think these are funny, it's okay, 99.9% of the people reading this agree with you.
Unlikely to make the NBA, little Jimmy Neutron wanted to show the world that he should be on the And-One tour.

The Nuggets never answered Jimmy's calls until he lied about having a disease.
Okay, if you don't live in Toronto this probably isn't funny... but fuck it!
Something Charlie V learned from his years studying under Chuck Norris.
And here is something Shaq learned after spending years studying under Yokozuna.
Growing up, Iverson always wanted to make fun of how short someone was.
I think the Orlando Magic are my new favourite team.
Is that Jordan? Or Ozzy?
This one is disturbing, if you are easily offended skip it:
I couldn't understand this photo... and then, WHAM, holy fuck that is disgusting!
How do you react to this?
Die Vince, Die!

The Urban Hunter: 10,000 Hits Celebration!!

In anticipation of today’s 10,000th hit on sumomofo I decided to celebrate by shooting 10,000 pigeons. Now I knew I couldn’t accomplish this all on my own in one day, so I brought out my good friend Montana McMichaels for the celebration. We started our day by loading up the truck with 7,000 rounds each (to allow for some missed shots)… this weighed a lot so we pretty much had to stay with the truck all day. Below is a picture of us counting some of the pigeons halfway through the day.

At the end of the day it took two truckloads like the one below to get all the pigeons home. It was pretty exciting. Tonight, I’ll be holding a pigeon stew party for anyone who wants to come out… I’ll be making a big bonfire in my backyard… so you should be able to find the party pretty easily. See you there!


Some other shocking news that I received by carrier pigeon today, is that there are squirrels killing dogs in Russia! Now I realize I’ve received this news a little late, as you can see by this article here but I just hope it’s not too late to save the Ruskies and quite possibly the world from these mad squirrels!! It’s quite possible that these squirrels will start swimming across the Bearing Straight to get to North America if something isn’t done soon. I thought the light-saber wielding squirrels were bad, but these ones can actually rip apart large animals with their bare hands. This is one pack of squirrels I’d better make sure I’m fully prepared for.

So far I’ve packed my raccoon killing suit, all my best trapping equipment, and most of my guns, but I’ll be picking up some special gear once I get into Russia as well. I’ve asked for an AK74 outfitted with 40-mm GP-25 underbarrel grenade launcher, as well as a SV-99 .22LR Sniper Rifle, perfect for when I’m on the move because it can be knocked down in a matter of moments.
In the meantime protect yourselves by planting pine trees and scattering nuts around your backyard. That should hold off the squirrels until I can get back on the continent.

Dix-Mille

Well 10,000 Hits has arrived, it is time you all learn the true secret purpose behind this site. This blog is merely a vessel to introduce and promote the most exciting and dramatic game in the history of man...Farkle or Dix Mille (10000).

Commercially known as Farkle and sometimes buy its French name Dix Mille. This is an absorbing game for any number of players using six dice. There are many variations of this game, the basic version is described first followed by a series of additional rules under the heading Variations. It is left to you to decide which alternative rules, if any, you wish to play.

Play:
Each player takes it in turn at rolling the dice and must set aside at least one scoring die (1s, 5s, triples, 3 pairs, or a run of 6. See score values below). Their turn continues, rolling the remaining dice, as long as they have thrown and set aside a scoring number or combination. Players announce their progressive score for their turn after each roll.

A players turn ends when they either decide to stop and score their accumulated points or until they have a scoreless throw and score nothing for that turn. Should all six dice be set aside as scoring then the player may roll them all again and continue their tally.

Scoring combinations only count when made with a single throw. For example a player who rolls and puts aside a 1 and then throws two 1s with the next throw may only score 300 not a 1000.

The first player to score a total of 10,000 wins, provided any subsequent players, with a turn left, don't exceed their score.

Score Values

1 = 100 points
5 = 50 points
1, 1, 1 = 1000 points
#, #, # = # x 100 e.g. 2, 2, 2 = 200 points: 6, 6, 6 = 600 points
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 = 3000 points
3 pairs = 1500 points (including four of a kind and a pair)

An example turn might go something like this. A player rolls the six dice and they come up 1, 1, 2, 4, 5, 6. He could set aside the two 1s and the 5 scoring 250 points, but instead sets aside the 1s, scoring 200 and rolls the remaining four dice. They come up 1, 6, 6, 6 and the player decides to set aside all four dice and his score is increased by 700 points (1 = 100 + 6, 6, 6 = 600) giving a total of 900 so far. All six dice are scoring so the player decides to continue his turn by rolling them all again. This time he is unlucky and rolls 2, 3, 3, 4, 6, 6. A scoreless throw which means he scores nothing for this turn and the dice pass to the next player.

Variations:
A player may not begin to score until he has first scored at least 500 points in a turn.

A player may take up the scoreless dice of the previous player who has had a scoreless throw and forfeited their points. Should he then throw a scoring number or combination he takes the previous player's forfeited score, in their last turn, as their own. Worth risking if they have accumulated a high score.

A player who throws a scoreless first roll, three times in successive turns, loses 1000 points.

If five dice are counted as scoring, the remaining die may be thrown twice in an attempt to roll a 1 or 5. If successful, the player is allowed to continue rolling with all six dice and receives a bonus of 500 points. The bonus increases by 500 points for every time the last die is rolled and scores in a single turn.

Four or more 2s cancels a players entire score.

Six of a kind made with a single throw wins the game outright.

Sometimes a target total of 5000 is set to make for a shorter game.

There is a commercial version of Ten Thousand called Cosmic Wimpout that is played with only 5 dice and without the three pairs scoring category. Some states in the USA play a version using 7 dice.

Now you have the power

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Conscious Rap

Sage Francis is probably the best rapper walking on the earth today, no joke. His lyrics are wise, his flow is impeccable. He's a fat white guy with a beard who wears lumberjack shirts and wins MC Battles. His songs are poignant, poetic and political, Sage is not in the game for the hype, he's in it for the art. This is his latest album, released this past summer on Epitaph. If you're familiar with the old albums the first thing you'll notice are the beats on "Healthy Distrust" which are way more complex. The second thing you'll notice is a weird voice distortion on Sage, I'm not crazy about this, but the message underneath this alt. rock technique is still good. I've got some more Sage, so if anyone wants it, just ask.
video for "Escape Artist"

Sage Francis - A Healthy Distrust



Two other rappers for ya today, the first is a Kid from west coast Canada, another true lyrical wizard, although this time more on a metaphysical and emotional tip. Josh Martinez is a poet and story teller, and although sometimes his music leans towards backpack rap this guy is harder then he seems. This is a hard to find Album from a few years ago, if you like what you hear Josh Martinez has a new album "Midriff Music" out this year.
Josh Martinez - Made in China

Last but not least, here is a killer live album from Mr. Lif in his hometown Boston. The crowd is pumped and Lif spins and grooves his way through 16 tracks of word and rap. One of the better sounding live rap albums, and definately a must for anyone that digs underground hip-hop.

Movie Posters - Roundhouse Edition


Chuck Norris is more than a man, in the eighties he was a star. Chuck had an interesting heritage, both of his parents being half Cherokee Indian or half Irish. But as anyone who has received a Chuck Norris roundhouse can attest – he is 100% bad-ass. Today I have decided to examine Chuck Norris’ movie posters throughout his career in order to pay homage and tribute the only Walker, Texas Ranger.


Don't touch Chuck Norris' family.. ever!

The director of Breaker! Breaker! (the film which obviously influenced the GZA twenty years later) made the rare leap from composer to director for the film. I do understand that sometimes a script comes along that really speaks to someone and they want to make a personal film… to Don Hulette that script was the story of a trucker searching for his brother, who has disappeared in a town run by a corrupt judge. Two other facts from the IMDB page for Breaker! Breaker! that make it appealing to me: 1. It was banned in Norway. 2. It is also known as Cindy Jo & the Texas Turnaround – which is the best fucking title I have ever heard. Basically Don was good at one thing – he cast Chuck Norris, and because of that he got two more jobs before he was cast aside. As you can see from the poster there is no reference to Chuck Norris or martial arts, this will all change very soon. Before I move onto the next stage in Chuck’s career, I have to acknowledge how great that tagline is.

Chuck Norris + Space Babe = Outerspace Love!

Something about this Octagon poster just isn’t jelling with everything that I have read about the film. This movie looks like something from the future; maybe something related to outer-space, but from what I can tell this is just a straight up action film. Well, a straight up action film with the insane conceit that ninja’s exist, but everybody thinks they are gone. When they start tormenting Chuck Norris, he has to kick some ass. Check out this trailer – it is classic. This poster does display Chuck Norris as the star, however this time it is due to his striking good looks and not any precedent he has set as a star. In fact in the US they used a different look (which can be seen here), choosing ninjas over Chuck Norris… which was obviously a bad decision. Another great tagline – “In a world of choices, for one man there is no choice” – which is the first of many references to Chuck Norris as a defender of freedom and the American Way… even if it means that he himself cannot be free.

If you ever see this, you are already dead.

An Eye for An Eye was the first Chuck Norris film that was directed by a true Hollywood hack, and not some two-bit straight-off-the-street hack. As significantly, An Eye for An Eye’s poster sold Chuck Norris as a martial-arts-master, not Chuck Norris good-looking-guy, or in many cases, Chuck Norris is in the movie but the poster will just feature tits. This poster shows you an angle that not many people get to see without dying – the fury of Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick. The symbolism of this poster is strong… I immediately understand that being hit by Chuck Norris’ roundhouse is directly equivalent to having the Golden Gate bridge being thrown on top of you. The tagline on this poster is okay, but IMDB shows this film having possibly one of the best taglines ever: “Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon… he is a weapon.” Wow. That tagline makes me understand who I’m fucking with, while at the same time conjuring images of the inevitable scene where Chuck pushes it a little too far and the shifty-no good-chief-who-lets-“the-boys-upstairs”-tell-him-what-to-do character forces him to turn in

his badge and gun. Just thinking about this gives me chills. Oh, by the way, this movie was banned in Norway as well.








Chuck Norris is all that is good and right in America

Before I talk about these movies, watch this and this, they will give you absolute chills. Missing in Action and Delta Force are, by all accounts, THE Chuck Norris films. They both have very similar posters – hand drawn realism, showing Chuck with a big bad ass gun, ready to kill. What these posters say is “maybe Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon, but he can kill a whole lot more people if he had one”. The Missing in Action poster also implies that Chuck Norris has an exceptionally large unit – but that is another story all together. Both of these movies are significant in Chuck’s oeuvre because they represent what Chuck Norris is all about – defending the American way of life. In Missing in Action, Chuck Norris literally goes back to Vietnam in 1984 to single-handedly win a war that tarnished the reputation of the US – even if some left-wing fags will try to stop him (and to expose how sinister left-wing-fags are, they will actually kill him in order to stop him). In Delta Force, Chuck Norris takes on a bunch of terrorists who have had the balls to take Americans hostage. The second tagline for Delta Force, which appeared on the video release summed it up perfectly: “They don’t negotiate with terrorists… They blow them away!” These movies came out in a simpler time – before anybody cared what other countries thought about American politics… when America was simply right, just like Chuck Norris. Here is an interesting random fact about Missing in Action, Steve Bing – real estate billionaire and Elizabeth Hurley impregnator – wrote the characters to the film when he was 19 years old… beyond writing some Married with Children Episodes, it was the high-point of his career.

Yes! Yes! Yes! YES!

Invasion USA is basically the movie Chuck Norris has been making for his entire career, except they remove all subtlety and any hint of symbolism. Quite literally, Chuck Norris is the only man that can save America from an outside threat (the Russian Spy). What makes Chuck even crazier is that he had already taken down that no-good-commie but was ordered (by some left-wing-fag no doubt) to take him in alive. Now, several years later, the no-good-commie has decided to take over the USA; but he knows, like the audience knows, that he will have to pry the USA out of Chuck Norris’ cold dead hands. James Bruner and Chuck Norris, who wrote many screenplays together, had been saving up for this one. Check out a small sample of the gold that can be found in this film: “One night you'll close your eyes, and when they open I'll be there. It'll be time to die.” (this is obviously Chuck’s line the moment the left-wing-fag forces him to take the Commie Bastard alive). “If you come back in here, I am gonna hit you with so many rights you are going to beg for a left.” (Oh Chuck, you are so manly just thinking about you gets women pregnant). My only complaint with the Invasion USA poster is that he should be wearing an I Love NY t-shirt under his denim vest. I love how he is shooting two Uzi’s in two different directions and looking a third direction. He is so bad ass it hurts me.

Hellbound was one of many bombs at the end of Chuck's movie career.

Ten years have passed since Invasion USA. Your brother is now directing your movies and you can no longer stay in the theatres for longer than a week. America has changed, its enemies are no longer tangible military driven dictators, left-wing-fags or right-wing-idiots are running the country… you are Chuck Norris, and there is nobody left to fight. The same year this movie was released Keanu Reeves showed the Point Break was not a fluke and became a hot action star with Speed. Yes, Chuck, that skinny-little-surfer-fag-who-you-could-beat-up-with-both-hands-and-feet-tied-behind-your-back is a bigger action star than you. I only included one movie poster from this period, a period which made Chuck turn to Canada’s premiere screenwriter Paul Haggis who created Walker, Texas Ranger, the poster I included was Hellbound. Hellbound is the story of a Chicago cop who is forced to travel to Israel, not because of terrorism, but because something supernatural is attacking the city. Now Chuck has a powerful roundhouse… but against supernatural beings – give me a break… sadly 5 years later the Gubernator made the same mistake and made End of Days. I can’t really talk about this poster because I am tearing up and it is hard to see…… I’m not gay, but I love Chuck Norris’ mullet.

That ends the journey through Chuck Norris’ career. I hope that you learned some valuable lessons about life, destiny, beards and roundhouse kicks. If you want to know more about Chuck visit here, and here.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

King Tong

This is a great mockumentary, about the legendary DJ Frankie Wilde (fictional of course) and the hot life in Ibiza. It didn't get a lot of response in the theatres but it is destined to be a cult hit for years to come. Watch the trailer here. For those of you that are Canadian I'm sure you've seen or heard of "Fubar" another mockumentary about two best friend, redneck headbangers from Calgary and their party life philosophy. "It's All Gone Pete Tong" is brought to you by the same creative team but having garnered some success the new venue is Ibiza for this tale of debauchery. "Tong" is actually a much smarter film as we follow Wilde from his absolute peak (women, wealth, fame, power) to his absolute bottom (isolation, insanity, and filth). The arc is motivated by Wilde progressively getting deaf, due to excess drugs and partying until eventually he is stone deaf and his career is shot. Not to give to much away, but just know that there is redemption, as Frankie Wilde rises from the ashes. All in all this is a great film, with moments of hilarity spliced with melancholy, the destructive power of massive ego, and salvation through love...BUT the music, it's all about the music.
The Soundtrack is 2 discs, both very different, like night and day. Disc 1 or Day is a collection of down-tempo electronica, instrumentals, classic rock, soul and jazz. Basically a great chillin' disc. The Gem is an amazing Depeche Mode remix (by goldfrapp).
Night represents Wilde's nightlife party persona, 16 tracks of hard hitting house, techno and electronica, masterfully mixed. If you like to club, or just dance by yourself, (personally I found this disc perfect for driving through the night en route to NYC) this is a great mix of tracks.
Full Track List


It's All Gone Pete Tong - Soundtrack
DAY
NIGHT

Monday, December 05, 2005

Q-Unit

Stumbled across this little gem thanks to Popbitch, an e-gossip rag from England. The album is a mash-up compilation laying 50 Cent's lyrics over top of some reworked Queen classics. The picture sold me right off the top, great moustache on 50. I'm not a fan of the pop-phenomenon that is 50-Cent, who has supersaturated the world with his tough guy pose on magazine covers, music, movies and video games (50 actually believe that his ultra violent game would be a good educational tool for kids). It's hard to take his uber-macho posturing seriously anymore. SO to see him glammed up just made my day. Not to get too analytical for a Monday morning, but there is a definite connection between hard ass gangsta rappers and tight ass queens like Freddy Mercury. A love for fine clothes, fur coats, excessive jewelry, overly sculpted bodies...I'm not suggesting anything, just sayin.
Q-Unit is a mash-up, some songs are better than others, but 50's fake mustache on the cover is worth the whole concept, and it gave me a chance to drop some fantastic albums as well.

I wanted to give anyone who hasn't heard real Queen or 50 a taste of their original recordings, So I chose these 2 because I think they are the cream of the crop.
50 Cent - Power of the Dollar
I'm not a 50 fan, but this album I've always liked, specifically the track "How To Rob". This is 50 before his tracks were club anthems, and he was on magazine covers or in the movies. I guess you could say this is the real shit.


Queen - A Night at the Opera
This is one of the best rock albums in history, if you think you don't like Queen try this album. Its so varied in range and scope, way ahead of it's time and still it's fun to listen to. "A Night..." is one of those rare albums in which every track is good.

What Would Frank Steel Do

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see much football yesterday. When I am not able to watch football I go into a strange withdrawal, which forces me to consume football highlights ravenously. While I was watching the highlights and smiling about Cincinnati’s big victory, I was shocked at how mad I was that Chad Johnson didn’t get in the endzone. My anger grew because all the announcers would talk about was how great his planned touchdown dance was (although nobody knew what exactly he had planned). Then, when I saw Steve Smith’s amazing touchdown celebration, I realized that I needed to write a post about how amazingly creative those two receivers have been this year. I can’t find a video of yesterday’s celebration online, except by using the nfl.com highlight package of the game (click on the video link from this website). Check it out, it is dangerously close to Bill Simmons’ “giving birth” celebration, but it takes away the raunchy parts.


Anyways, this got me thinking about what I would do given the opportunity to bust out a celebration; below are three ideas I came up with:

The Crane: Especially with the untimely passing of Mr. Miyagi (aka Pat Morita), I wish that a Karate-Kid loving wide receiver would break out the Crane (maybe starting it off with a couple of wax-on, wax-off’s). As an added bonus, I’m sure this player would immediately become one of Bill Simmons’ heroes.


The Madden: Hold the football like a video-game controller and have your teammates huddle around you (except for one teammate who mimes having a controller as well). After about a second you throw your arms up like you scored a touchdown and start high fiving the other teammates. The guy with the second controller throws it down and sulks off.


The Gun Fight: This has been done several times in various incarnations, but I don’t think anybody has done it right. What it really requires is an immediate sprint to use the Field Goal post as cover, as your team runs at you, you jump out and shoot them with your finger (a couple of them drop down). Finally, when they are about to overwhelm you, you throw the football out like a grenade and jump for cover. Anything less than that is half-hearted (although the Scarface in Any Given Sunday is a pretty good interpretation)


Bonus Plagiarism: The Carolina Panthers: I am sure I have read this somewhere on the internet but I can’t find it using Google (or Deadspin’s search function) so I apologize for the plagiarism (and I will not acknowledge it as my own idea), but it is so brilliant it has to be repeated. We need a Cincinnati/Carolina Superbowl, so Chad Johnson can repeat his cheerleader proposal routine except instead of proposing, he gets down on one knee and holds up a sign that says “Will You Please Kiss Each Other?”


Because I don’t have time to keep doing this, I ask you to think about what you would do. Drop a note in the comment section about what you would do if you had just scored a touchdown… as inspiration, here are some sites to visit:

A collection of Steve Smith’s celebrations from this year: click here and then the video link.

Here is a collection of Chad Johnson’s amazing celebrations via The Best Sports Blog (many of these are in crappy AOL player format and have trouble playing in Mozilla). This same website also has a great celebration wish-list here (the Truffle Shuffle is genius).

Here is a video of Randy Moss’ infamous mooning from last year. I don’t care what Joe Buck says – that is hilarious.