Friday, November 11, 2005

OC: The Swells

Some things to think about from this week's OC:
Unfortunately I have 10 minutes before work so this is no frills!
Next week will be better...

Spacebabe is over the top evil, but what is she planning? What can she gain from Julie Cooper, obviously leading to a huge cat fight

Marisa a sucker for guys that “open up for her”, yet such a jerk to Ryan, DO SOMETHING SUMMER, WAKE UP MARISA!!!

Chili is Seth “I'm already dating a dork” - Summer

Volcheck is AMAZING, Luke on the beach, must see more. Did Volcheck grab Johnny’s balls on the way out of Chili’s bedroom? Why is GF so slutty in make-out spot choices (best friends bedroom?)

Marisa/Ryan/Johnny TOO much like Olivera/Marisa/Ryan

Peter Galagher and the News, watch for the new CD.

JULIE COOPER KNOWS, it gets good from here

Ryan and Marisa at parties are fight addicts – at every party all they do is go to different places and have terribly serious conversations that leaves them feeling lousy and guilty the next day

Julie Cooper is a stone cold crazy eyed killer

Mouthy guy in the audience is great at Newport Lock-in – the lines “you were all-geek at camp geek!” the 3rd of three killer lines.

Season three is back to season one of ONE PUNCH AN EPISODE FROM RYAN!!!

“I never won a fight till I got to Newport” –Ryan

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Tonight is What it Means to be Young!

I have to start by saying that I’m a little pissed off because I have a great idea for an NBA preview column, but I didn't have time to write it. I plan on doing a lot of NBA commentary this season, and I am sure the column will resurface at some point (Editor’s Note: I wrote that a week ago, and now it looks like it won’t, but screw you I love the NBA). Posters we all like…

Today I look to 80s movie posters. If you are reading this blog, you are probably around my age and these are the posters you grew up with, and defined your idea of a movie poster. I begin with Karate Kid III. I know I could have used the original Karate Kid poster, but its tagline didn’t grab me like this one. I love Karate Kid – it is absolutely insane. This love does not quite extend to Karate Kid III… Bill Simmons, the greatest sports writer on the internet explains much better than I can the problems with Karate Kid III here (somehow magically this link still works – I probably just jinxed it) . This poster though is by far the best in the trilogy. There is something in Ralph Macchio’s airbrushed to death face and eye that scream drama. And the beacon of light flying off his forehead screams power. Combine that with the tagline that basically concedes that Ralph Macchio is pulling a Steve Sanders-esque forey into man-adolescent and you have one quality poster.

The 80s had many films that followed the fulfilling your dream motif (from Karate Kid to Wall Street), and without seeing the film I am confident that Voyage of the Rock Aliens falls into that genre. James Fargo learned from the best, he was an AD to Eastwood and Spielberg, but his head was always filled with Rock Aliens. The plot of VOTRA is very complex, but can be basically summed up like this: Frankie doesn’t like aliens hitting on his girl Zee Zee. That’s it. And looking at this picture, I’m confident I could kick Frankie’s ass let alone the alien that has that giant metal hand in the poster. But wait… Jermaine Jackson is in the movie (his only movie)… this whole movie sucks. This tagline even sucks, but according to IMDB, this movie initially came out with the superb “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a Rock Alien!” tagline… now that is genius.

Where as Voyage of Rock Aliens looks like shit and is funny to laugh at, I am horribly depressed that I haven’t seen Streets of Fire. What does this movie not have going for it? It is directed by Walter Hill – yes, the same man that made The Warriors. It stars a truly underrated hot actress in Diane Lane. Rick Moranis is in there inevitably providing some much needed shenanigans. Check out this soundtrack! The poster somehow is able to catch the much needed 80s neon glow, while maintaining an aura of cool that lasts to this day. And that tagline… you read it once and you might think it is a little cheesy, the second time you start whistling Young Turks and start to think that maybe it isn’t that cheesy in the end. The third time you read it you are ready to do anything to get your beautiful girl back from those goddamn punks driving their old school cars. If I haven’t seen this movie in a month either I’m dead or it isn’t on video.

This is rare for me… I am not making fun of this poster either. In fact, I think this poster is pretty much as cool as Streets on Fire, and, even though I just gushed about Streets on Fire for a full paragraph, I am pretty confident that Manhunter is a better movie. Brian Cox as Hannibal Lector is so damn creepy in Manhunter that even in movies like Adaptation I think he is going to hurt the main character. This poster, like Streets on Fire has the 80s flashy colour scheme, but that Manhunter look is more pop-arty, the almost artistic type of art. I love the tagline, so creepy, yet paternal – perfect for any Hannibal Lector movie (in case anybody doesn’t know Manhunter is Red Dragon except not made by a hack), but their was actually another tagline that I think is almost as good: “Will Graham Has The Mind Of A Psychopath - Thank God He's On The Right Side Of The Law”. So much is going on with this movie and this poster that my head just blew up. All I got left in me is this amazing exchange between Will Graham (played by CSI’s Grissom!) and Hannibal:

Will: I know that I am not smarter than you.
Hannibal: Then how did you catch me?
Will: You had disadvantages.
Lector: What disadvantages?
Will: You’re insane.

Damn, that’s good stuff. Red Dawn is not Manhunter, but it is a damn good movie. John Milius must have slept with somebody’s wife, because after making Conan and Red Dawn you should become bigger than he did. Those are two kick ass 80s movies. And this Red Dawn poster looks just like Goonies… which is hilarious, then they sprinkle a little Delta Force, maybe a touch of Apocalypse Now, make all the characters faces really funny looking and viola a masterpiece is born. Okay, I can’t talk about the poster anymore because I am too excited by John Milius’ trivia page at IMDB. He was the inspiration for Walter from the Big Lebowski… he wrote the line “Go Ahead, Make My Day”… his nicknames are The Dog Trainer and Viking Man… he is one of the founding members of the UFC... what the hell? Is this guy the coolest person in the world? New theory… he didn’t sleep with somebody’s wife, he doesn’t need your work, he discovered the meaning of life and is chilling out.

To be honest, I had never even heard of Ten to Midnight before writing this article, and unfortunately, there are very good odds that I will never see it. What initially drew it to my attention is that it stared Charles Bronson and was about a three hour time frame just like From Noon Till Three. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that in Hollywood three hours in the middle of the night are a lot worse than three hours in the middle of the day. Instead of having sex for three hours, in this movie Charles has a job to do. I do really like this tagline because it makes me feel like it was a pitch… having just made the immortal Happy Birthday to Me (I talked about that poster when discussing Horror posters), and as he was being pushed out of the studio he thought of three words – Cop, Killer, Deadline – and magic was born. As a poster, beyond how damn cool and ruthless Charles Bronson is (his gun is smoking, even if he is too busy to), I love the drawing of the woman in the Nurses outfit (or some weird fetish outfit at least) in the bottom corner. The beautiful Lisa Eilbacher blew my pre-pubecant mind when I first saw Beverly Hills Cop, and the picture of her here titillates me to this day. Finally I can’t not mention the killer in the top left, because he looks absolutely ridiculous sitting in front of a clock showing just how long 10 to Midnight is. Charles Bronson fans don’t know the meaning of the word subtlety, and why the hell should they.

Eye of the Tiger seems like it is the Sylvester Stallone movie that Stallone refused to make. It is named after the theme song to Rocky III (which was released four years earlier), and it has a very similar plot to Rambo (Vietnam vet, crazy, blah, blah, blah). This is some good studio shenanigans: producer Herb Nanas had just produced both Rocky III and First Blood, sensing an opportunity for a great title he snaps up the name Eye of the Tiger after the song shoots to number one, for three years he desperately tries to come up with a plotline that would fit such a brilliant title, three days before shooting begins he looks up from his pile of money and coke, forgetting that Rocky III and First Blood are real movies and combines them to make Eye of the Tiger, since then life hasn’t been so good. Oh yeah, let’s insert Gary Busey, the craziest mofo in LA to star in the movie, and have a kid for him to save. I love Gary Busey and I can just imagine how insane he was on this plot – he gets to be a Vietnam vet named Buck that is pushed to the edge – all he has to do is declare it method acting and he can make everybody’s life horrible (and still be commended for showing such intensity), perfect role for him. The photo of the poster is shitty quality, and you’ll have to believe me, but this tagline is one of the best ever: Nam was hell… Prison unbearable… But coming home meant murder. I just felt a chill go down my spine.

Before Hal Needham lost his mind and decided that Smokey and the Bandit was the pinnacle of filmmaking and should be made over and over again, the stunt-man turned director made a pretty good BMX race movie called Rad. I’ll be honest, I have a soft-spot for anything that calls itself Rad, and I have a stupid soft spot for a young Lori Loughlin, but I really liked this movie. But the movie means nothing next to this poster… Neon colours – inverted! Is there anything more 80s than that – oh yeah, maybe naming your movie Rad! I can’t say much more about this Rad movie… the tagline kind of sucks, A Hometown kid on his BMX against the best in the world. At Helltrack… the heat is on. The only benefit of that tagline is that I hear The Heat is On in my head, which was probably a song from the movie. I take it all back – Rad sucked me back in.

Wow, this article was a long time coming… as in the past, I saved the best for last. I think you can read this, but if you can’t, here are the actual words written on this poster moving clockwise the top:

Who gives up the pill? Who takes sex to outer space? Whose the girl of the 21st century? Who nearly dies of pleasure?

Who seduces an angel?

Who strips in space?

Who conveys love by hand? (not sure if I get that one)

Whose the bird in the golden cage? (really don’t get this one).

Classy stuff!

Smoke on the Mike Like Smoking Joe Frazier, the Hellraiser

Guess whose back? My favourite NBA player, and I think one of my favourite people in the whole world did something that every sane NBA player does - he went on a blog and performed a rap. If you want to listen, here it is.

But if you are too lazy to listen, Deadspin transcribed the 16 bars of genius:

"I’m feastin’ again, you think I won’t make it, I’m gonna grab the whole rap game and bend it and break it;

Because its hip-hop, yeah, raw and uncut, pores smell like residue from sticky icky stuff, slip some Mickey in my cup;

Get pound out quick, roundhouse kicks, blood on your nice kicks, its hard for me to shoot bricks, easy to shoot pricks, flow got a high kick;

Just like Bruce, kid, maybe Chuck Norris, record sales taken off like flights departin’, and you just survivin’ cause your songs is garbage…"

The other highlight from the interview is his comment on punching fans: "Jermaine got a really, really professional hit in there... Mine was more amateur." I can just see David Stern in his penthouse apartment throwing a boiling hot latte on his assistant picking up the phone and saying "You think you're big time? You gonna fuckin' die - big time".

To here more on the interview click here.

I Love This Game

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Meat Heads

Absolutely brilliant

Why doesn't somebody buy a channel and just show crazy Japanese game shows all day - who wouldn't watch that. The only danger is that your viewership would only be stoned college kids and absolutely crazy people.

According to Google, the women in the video are the same as the people shown above. If you want more info and can read Japanese click here.

(Link via Gorillamask)

Monday, November 07, 2005

I am Slowly Going Crazy

While TO is becoming a giant baby, something much more exciting is happening in Washington. (via Deadspin)

I think Clinton Portis needs to give up playing football and fight crime. But wait... these costumes look diabolical. I think I may have just solved all of the unsolved crimes in Washington...

Southeast Jerome (laughing manically) has not been seen recently.

The only known (very blurry) photograph of Dr. I Don't Know.

If you have seen either of these men, contact your local authorities. Please do not try to apprehend yourself, "they" should be considered Armed and Dangerous.